I got hit hard yesterday afternoon. I did, and still do, feel good about setting my intentions in the early morning with April. I felt very satisfied in all I accomplished yesterday morning. Personal/spiritual writing, blogging my journey, getting clear about writing both a novel and my e-book. So satisfied with myself for setting the practice of early rising and writing.
Then I took that well organized energy into the shop (my antique shop collective) to work my scheduled day. Felt so good most of the day, accomplishing, staging my space, dealing with dealer stuff. Then, out of the blue I was blindsided by a dealer I hold very close in my heart and esteem. Really, mean-spirited, blind sided. Okay, he said that I ‘saw a sucker and took advantage of him’. In actuality, I found that he hadn’t been working all the days he contracted for and had dealer space for. My inquiry was only about what happened to the missing day. I didn’t ask him to work it. Not yet. Just trying to figure out what happened to the day.
I think he got caught ‘with his hand in the cookie jar’, perhaps he hoped I would never notice that he wasn’t honoring our agreement or his contract. Perhaps that is why he lashed out at me. Totally caught me off guard (that’s what blindside means, I guess), I asked him twice if he really meant that. Twice he said yes.
So, my trusting inner child got really hurt. And, even though I am a ‘spiritually based’ person, or so I like to believe I am, I collapsed emotionally. Plugged pulled. Incredulous. Hurt. I write this man’s name in my prayer journal every night, have for two years since his health challenge. Still did last night. Wrote his name, said a prayer for him.
But, it’s really not about me. He’s in his own boat sailing about, making actions and rules for his own life. It’s not my job to teach, train, or certainly to ‘straighten’ him out. His uncalled for dagger hit it’s mark, but wasn’t really about me. Perhaps it is about the nightmare of the Middle East, or the debacle of this election, or the horrific storms in the East, or even his PTSD from Viet Nam. This man is a loving, generous, kind, volunteer in his church. I have always held him in highest esteem. The lashing out just wasn’t like him. What ever motivated his outburst, really had nothing to do with me.
I just got in the way…. But, ah ha! There really is a gift in there for me. The gift is about strengthening my core. Allowing myself to be soft, sweet, vulnerable, AND be strong, steady, solid. To realize that there is nothing to forgive. If a child says “You’re mean. I hate you mommy” you don’t have to ‘forgive’ him. You realize that there is something deeper upsetting the child.
I know there are deeper lessons in this incident. Really, a GIFT for me and my growth.
The BEST NEWS is that nothing that occurred related to his outburst or my emotional reaction, NOTHING pulled me off my course. My eyes are fixed on my NORTH STAR, and I am proceeding with my first baby steps in accomplishing some great writing this month, this year.
I know the lessons will continue to unfold and become evident. My prayer is that my interaction with this man will be graced with my highest, spiritual love.
Thank you God, for yet another lesson.